The Rory and Jess Conundrum

I've been watching Gilmore Girls again - literally simping and shipping Rory and Jess, despite knowing they don't end up together. But I love it. I love how the characters develop and the tension that builds between them. I love how eventually Jess becomes a better person, someone who deserves more than Rory, someone who everyone thought was too good for her. I love it when Lorelai says, "Rory is at an age where she needs a Jess" and she knows damn right - that he will always be Rory's Jess just like Jess will always be his Rory.

And as much as I hate how both of them don't end up together, I understand why they were never meant to be. Although the relationship was toxic, it was a dependency that only the both of them understand - he is always there for her, just how she will always be for him. He was the only one who made sense to her when she dropped out of Yale. She was the only who made sense to her when she came back to in A Year in the Life. To be honest, despite everyone thinking Jess was a jerk - I think he was the only one who made sense to Rory and I actually felt that. 

—

Where I am supposed to be in the arms of warmth,

A person has never made me feel this low.

When he is supposed to uplift me,

He makes me find a new reason to hate myself every single day.

The New Normal

I just came back from a hopping row in Petaling Street. It's been awhile since I went out and due to a lot of external factors lately, it felt great to be able to hop from one restaurant to another to just try new things, talk and just drink. I feel like I've been avoiding the truth lately - just like how I've been avoiding mentioning the pandemic in this blog.

Literally, I've deleted almost every social media once/twice but this blog remains my one and only social media archive on the world wide web yet I have never spoken about life in the pandemic.. and it's been a year? Can you believe that? My state of denial to record the currently "new normal" we live in has last more/if so a year. 

And many things have changed in that year. 
And I've never really addressed it to myself - how I've felt in that one year.

For many, I might have seemed lucky. Work for resumed as normal, savings were kept as I live in a house with my parents. But as privileged as I sound - I was definitely not okay. Stress levels were at ultimate high where I realised my hair was falling out, my sleeping cycle is fucked up - which I've grown to just accept and live with and I just feel 'another one' in the world.

& though I've come to a point where I can just live with it, I feel like I owe myself to just ask - am I really okay?

What a Year, 2020

I'm never one to celebrate New Years. Cliche, but to me it's just another day to another year. But 2020 was different. The world was literally put on halt and as much as the we tried to live our normal lives, there were restrictions. Many, many, restrictions - that Yana and I were literally on a dead end trying to convince the boys to plan a trip.

& we're super glad we managed to do so - because it was exactly what we needed. 3 days out of the hustle and bustle of virtual e-mails and video conferences and in foreign yet local cities to just chill.

We brought chairs out to the lawn before the downpour started - chilly weather, despite smoke from the BBQ.

The boys did a wonderful job planning the food and AJ's marinade was creme de le crem.

The gang surprised me with a double unicorn cake - did not expect this at all, I got all teary eyed lol.

We played games, laughed and twerked. At midnight, while we counted down the seconds to a New Year - Ipoh was suddenly lit with a firework performance. The eight of us ran to the lawn to see sprinkles of red, white, blue and green decorate the sky - as we hugged and wished each other Happy New Year, we bid adieu to 2020 and for a moment, the world seemed normal again. 

The next few hours were us, reflecting what a year it has been. We laughed and cried at the happiness and sufferings we've been through and what stuck in the my mind through out the session was how the boys reiterated to us, many times - that regardless, we are family. 

With some feeling feverish and suffering mild headaches, we cleaned the lawn the very next morning and headed to Hollywood for breakfast. After a few smokes, we headed to Tasik Cermin for a short hike and off to Penang for another round of food.

Short fuel and toilet break - we took many breaks through out this trip.

In Penang, we checked in to our AirBnB - rested and feasted. A windy afternoon was spent eating Pasemboq, Grilled Clams and Laksa by the beach in Padang Kota. Followed by a short trip to Jelutong to meet Hassan and his choice of Nasi Kandar. We then headed to Love Lane for a Mexican fiesta - with new aliases and back to the AirBnB to finish our leftovers.

Gave the boys new names.

I bonded so much more with the girls during this trip.

I woke up early the next morning to make sure everyone had a good, wholesome Penang breakfast. Ordered Apom, Thosai Rawa and Roti Canai and decided to surprise them once they woke up - of course, I couldn't have done it with Yana who helped wait for the Grab driver for me. 

15 minutes before check out - yet everyone still gobbling food.

In the mood for a coffee fix, Kadir and I brought them to Lunabar - since it was early, we had the place all to ourselves.

After a hearty meal at Kapitan, last stop was Teo Chew cendol.

Escaped the New Year traffic by going home a day earlier - the route back to KL was smooth. Managed to be home before midnight despite the many toilet and snack breaks. Though there were three in my car, I drove accompanied by the sounds of French Kiwi Juice while pondering what's next in life. 

I hope to cherish each and every moment and to keep only those who are near.

And I hope, for the bonds I've grown attached to - to grow closer, and may the year bless us all. 

65:3

-- today's podcast taught me:

• "Whoever puts his trust in Allah; He will be enough for him" - to put trust in God first, before human connection. His plan for you the best plan that could ever be for you. 
• Constant communication with Allah SWT. Imaan is a journey - don't be too hard on yourself. Ask Him for forgiveness and build your connection.

At times I catch myself leading astray and you throw me events to pull my faith closer to you. May I never lose sight of you Ya Allah and may you guide me to the right path destined for me. 

The Engagement

I got engaged on 30 August 2020 - would I have ever imagined to say those words "I got engaged"? No, in fact, almost four months in - I'm still getting used to the fact that I no longer have boyfriend but I have a fiance. 

I've never written anything about how I met Kadir, or how we fell in love or got together because I'll be honest - I was scared. I had baggage, I had my fair share of paranoia which took exact/if not more than three years of me pondering about, jumping from one attachment to another to be stable and find myself. 

And no, he didn't come in a horse carriage, slaughtering dragons to bring me down from a tower - but Kadir he came at a time where things just felt right, a time where I felt safe. Though falling for him was with caution, it felt like a warm, safe hug. Thus, for me at least - why we initiated the process to get hitched, lol.

But what made the day special, really was the fact that everything was done by us. I remember contemplating about hiring a decorator for weeks - only to have my two close uncles come by a day before. My Pak Ndak brought plants all the way from his garden in Ipoh and my Uncle Zarool was kind enough to lend his wooden chair and decorate my mini-pelamin. 

Amalina and Nabilah came over the night before to calm me down and help my mum with the doorgifts and well I'zaz was with me through out the week just to make sure I was doing the right thing, lol. I had all these important people around me - the people who I grew up with and it felt good to just be around them that whole weekend. 

The road to getting engaged wasn't smooth - but I guess what mattered most was we both stuck together like glue.. and that's how things will be forever.

For you, I say yes - forever and more

It's been 382 days since you told me you love me & on this day you asked your mum, to seal my heart and yours with a ring. If I were to gather the bets I've lost, I might've been able to place a downpayment on a new house. Of the many times I've told people that marriage just wasn't for me - here I am, now parading the world with a band on my finger. To show that I am taken, a proof I am loved - but mostly important that I am yours.

It's been 378 days since we went to the beach.

& on that day, we were watching the sunset with our toes in the sand and I smiled and told you I love you.

What happened next, I remember was you pulling me closer - to repeat what I've said. Little did I know, those three words would be a permanent feeling; my forevermore. That evening, the sun and its rays bear witness to you and me. The drive home was nothing less than content.Similar to how I feel right now.

As I type this, I look at this ring - placed with its tiny diamonds. 

That this symbol was contentment, safety - a symbol of assurance, that I wouldn't want anything else but you. 

You.

Just you.

Forever you.

I walked down the stairs and I took my last steps. I saw no exit doors just a path - a road, to you. As you sat near the wall looking at me, cluelessly navigating my way around the room, I was shy to lock eyes with you. Because I knew, I would've cried buckets. If only God knew how much I love you - indeed the theories of the sea flooding soil/earth. And as the ring fit perfectly in my finger, I knew - I had nowhere else to turn back to, but to you. 

I thank you, 

For existing in my life.

And for telling me, you love me - 382 days ago.

Forever, and always.

It's Midnight

We are the passionate ones, the tortured ones. The ones who give everything we have when we love, the ones who drain, bleed ourselves dry for another person. The ones who smoke three cigarettes in a row to get rid of the lumps in our throats. The ones who spend nights thinking 'what ifs' to the most unnecessary of all situations. The ones who think they were a choice when they were no choices to begin with. 

The craziest, perhaps most insecure human being you'll ever meet.
But, I swear - she will love you like no one has, and ever will.

Closure

I had a chat with a colleague the other day over two - or maybe three glasses, talking about life and experiences in general. Of course, it was a bit of influence that drove me to somewhat speak my mind and considering the department I'm in, no doubt consumerism is seen to be either fluffy or mainly fit for bimbos.

Through out the end of our 3 - if not 4 hours of chatting he asked me why I never speak my thoughts, or show another side of me to people. With a grin, I told him that I'm more reserved when it comes to saying what I feel, or my thoughts because it tends to choose who it wants to listen. Not necessarily looking at is a flaw, but I just thought it would be a nice personality/alter-ego for me shy away and to set out in the open only when needed.

"So, no one's seen this side of you?"
"Yeah there was one guy, my ex - but I don't know things didn't end well between us"
"Really? What happened"
"We were never really together, no exchange of 'I love yous' - the relationship was genuinely about two people caring about one another"
"You sound like you miss him"
"I miss his company at times, but not him"

Of course later conversation evolved to surround relationships but the whole night on the way back I pondered whether somewhere out there, a person is missing conversations I had with him. Whether he was having regrets - or a plan perhaps to woo my heart again.

Then again - I reminded myself how 'happy' I am now.
Or am I?

The Blame Game

I find cheaters to be extremely creative - especially when they give, or well try to give reasoning to their actions. Heck some of them don’t even call themselves “cheaters”, in fact, route for an escape plan by saying its “the right thing to”.

Of course, they'll tell you that and then you find out they’ve actually been sleeping with someone else even before you left - and the girl was dumb enough to post things on her Tumblr to clarify this, but that’s beyond the point. I always believe that cheating is an option, but only one among many options. You have a choice, whether to fix a relationship, confront your partner or even confront yourself - yet you choose a simple option of “talking to someone else”, similar to running away from the problem as a resort to make yourself feel more fulfilling. Sometimes, cheaters build the biggest egos due to this - but seriously, who are you lying or manipulating to other than yourself?

A heart of a girl is fragile, and insecure - regardless of all the “women empowerment” shit you read these days. So tell me, what makes you think blaming them makes things even better? It’s you. You’re the problem. I’ve had enough of personal experience and friends blaming their partners to not be at par, but when asked whether they’ve tried to solve the solution - they come up with 1001 solvable excuses other than to cheat. I’ve had enough of people choosing to drag a third-party into the picture rather than to confront their partner, those who they say to be “the most important human being in their lives” at that time - if it was so important, why didn’t you prioritize that? I’ve had enough, of hearing excuse after excuse as to why people cheat because there is no excuse for your infedelity. There is never an acceptable excuse for you lying and disrespecting another human being. There is never, ever an excuse for you hurting someone else when you could have dodge it.

.. and you expect a victim to have closure at the nick of time you’re in bed, or on a beach holiday (which mind you, who even got you that holiday in the first place) with someone else? No, that’s not how the world works. As selfish as you are, how do you sleep at night knowing you’re simply a piece of shit?

The Journey to Completing My Thesis

-- was a rough one.

I had months to prepare everything but being the procrastinating student I am, I left it to the last minute to complete it. From focus groups interviews, to real interviews, to having your focus group interview rejected by the company's HR (ya, seriously) and then to meeting your supervisor just to know your data is not enough and you have to screen around 200+ articles to conduct a content analysis. There were nights I cried tears, contemplating whether they were real tears or tears of blood.

Ok that's just me being dramatic, but I did cry in the process. I was so, so stressed out.

Two months before my thesis was due, I came back to Malaysia. It was the perfect plan. I wanted to settle all my focus group and personal interviews, have a nice time eating plates of Nasi Kandar and Nasi Lemak and just chill in hot weather. My first night in Malaysia, instead of being happy and enjoying lovely family time I had dreaded for almost a year, shit happened and just like that, my three weeks of happiness became three weeks of me having to overcome a bunch of negative feelings.

Nope, it doesn't stop there. A week after, the focus group I had previously conducted with a company in Malaysia caught me off guard by an e-mail by the company's HR saying I can't use the data as it the company's privacy laws. A week after that, again left slapped with more unnecessary drama. It got to a point where I had so much burden inside of me, I legit felt like quitting my dissertation and either extending getting a Master's Degree or just fuck it, come home empty handed.

Alhamdulillah, I got my shit together (is that even appropriate to put in a sentence) and gained all the confidence I could to finish everything up. My sleeping cycle eventually became less of a cycle but more of a dead line (nope, no sleep) and I lost weight in the process but God knows how happy I was to see my beautiful, binded, maroon dissertation printed to perfection (despite the printing service conducting a typo but ok, takpelah, I let you go this time). Seeing the 20,000 words I typed miraculously in a few weeks made the stress worthwhile.

Of course, it was a fleeting moment.
... and then I booked a flight and went back to Malaysia the next day. Lol.

But besides all that, I realized something.

I used to be the girl who hated going to school. Honestly, the grades I've gotten to pass where I am now was just mere luck. I always hated exams and the thought of my 2nd Grade Bahasa Melayu teacher who said I wasn't going "anywhere" since I failed the subject at that time always changed my perception towards our education system (Disclaimer: I wasn't dumb. I had just came back from living in the States -- mind you, Cikgu Wahida, I got constant A's for BM till SPM after that). Never, have I ever, thought of doing a Master's Degree but once I clicked "submit" for my thesis on Turn-it-in, it made me realize 1001 things I may have never imagined myself doing which I just.. may end up doing.

No - this does not mean I'm signing up to do a PhD. It just made me realize, that I'm pretty much unstoppable if I constantly believe I deserve it. That's all. So what's next guys?

Torn To Go Home

Few more weeks till I leave this town for good -- and honestly, I'm jumbled up with a thousand mixed feelings.

A part of me wanted to make a living here. For a year, I tried searching for jobs. I got a few yet due to visa restrictions, I had to turn them down. I crave for a nomadic life. I grew up somewhere foreign and I had always felt like I belonged somewhere else, not in Malaysia. 

But being here, taught me a lot about appreciating home, and most importantly appreciating the time left to be with family.

Thankfully, I did not lose anyone close to me this year, yet I saw friends losing family members so dear to them I cannot bear being almost 10,000km apart and not saying my last goodbyes. Because I know how hard it was for them, and deep down, I'm still the youngest child in the family who craves my parents attention above anything else -- and I don't want to separate myself from them, not just yet. 

At the same time a part of me wanted to give back to the place I call home. I may not have spent all my years growing up in Malaysia, but oh god, do I have plans to make it into something else. Nothing is more rewarding to me than helping others, and I want to be known for that, not just simply just another girl with a foreign Master's Degree or the girl with many followers on Instagram. I want to use the influence I have to help those, without exposure, to be exposed of their passion and talent. Because I know I am capable of making a change and nothing would make me happier than helping others achieve success as well. 

Perhaps, once upon a time ago, I was naive.

Perhaps, one day I will end up back in a plane, 13 hours to work in a familiar destination.
But for now, my heart yearns for home. 

This is An Honest Post

Though this is something I would rather not remember the rest of my life, help me God, I hope one day the next guy I date will read this and take caution of how fragile my heart can be. Because I am tired. I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of being the one blamed for being the cause of every negativity in a relationship -- most importantly, I am tired of being cheated on, countless of times. I am tired.

I trust you enough to tell you my aspirations, my flaws. I put your world ahead of mine and the least you could have done for me was to respect my feelings as a human being - yet, you cheated. God knows while you told me I meant the world to you, you were swiping right, or even chatting your devilish ways with another girl I would not even want to know who, how or see her face.

Because nothing grounds a man like respect.
Disappointing to know that you're nothing near a man. You're just a wimp.

A Year's Worth

The people I spent a year invading their house for free food and entertainment graduated today - and of course, I couldn't be happier. The day before, Hassan brought me out to the city to just walk around and clear my head off. We watched a movie, ate lunch/early dinner - he even become my fashion consultant for the day picking out dresses at Topshop - lol. We bought a film camera for fun and just lazed around at the park, but I guess that's for another day's story. 

Today we celebrate the Engineering boys finally ending their four year pursuit - the four boys who were my brothers through out my journey here in Cardiff - and also the two lawyers who had to layan me crying like a donkey last week at St. David's. 

I'm going to miss you guys - being left behind in Cardiff alone is going to be a bore. Thank you guys, for always being there for me and opening your doors whenever living alone felt dreadful. This sea gull infested place won't be the same without you.

One Reason to Make Up For All Thirteen

I finished watching 13 Reasons Why a few days ago.

I thought the progression was a bit too slow. I catch myself skipping through scenes and then having to rewind them again just because I didn't get what was going on. I read the book once upon a time ago, but Young Adult fiction was always predictable to me. When the series got good reviews, I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and I feel neutral about it.

However, I did feel like they portrayed the struggles of every wallflower perfectly.

Of how some girls will prioritise the opinions of others than the comfort being in their own skin, or how some boys would want to have fun, feeling proud with ego like no other when they win the chase. Of course, going through high school in Malaysia was a bit different - especially mine, being conservative but I still see things like this happening around me, even at the age of twenty three. In fact, I might as well bring this statement to a mirror because I could predict almost 70% of what would happen -- and I wasn't really shook with the outcome.

What I would like to state though is that if you care enough about someone, never leave them alone. As annoying as it may sound, some people just want a little bit of attention. The words you say may be sensitive and you may think it's "not a big deal" but reactions create different emotions - so be wary. I can vouch for the fact that despite you having everything in your grip, no matter what age, one day you may lose the tolerance, the patience and just snap out and realise how lonely you are. That's when shit fucks things up. 

And you, if you really cared - why did you let go? 

Fragile

— was a state, I was in.

Horrid winter nights, when the days became shorter and the dark pitch sky were clouded unlike summer nights. As I write this, I’m sitting on a red iron bench just trying to make sense of It all. Nights like these, my head is overcrowded with thoughts with simplest answers yet they float around like riddles. Should I stay, or should I go? 

 I bit my lip as I felt trapped. Here I am, back to where it all started. Here I am, feeling things which I promised myself, never ever to go through. Here I am, allowing someone to make me feel like I have something to lose, to save. The anger inside of me pulsated my veins as I gathered my gut to be strong, yet in head he seemed like a candle. The only flickering light I have to keep me from going insane. I lied, saying everything was okay when I knew truth was a privilege. I tried burning the evidence of how cold, and unkind when I needed you there, the most. How at a time I was feeling all ends of loneliness, you made me feel like I was impossible to deal with.

In the coldest winter, I long for a field of green and flowers as my cells, day by day, built themselves because you broke me that day.

One-way Ticket Back Please?

I’ve been thinking a lot about home lately.

How I’d wake up in my pink and green walled room, with sunlight piercing through my white blinds. The first thing I would do is go downstairs, make sure all my cats were alive and well-fed, then pick one of them up and enjoy another 15 minutes cuddling a ball of fur. How every morning, my mom made me toast. Usually overly buttered, with a generous spread of marmalade on top, I’d snack on that while laying down on our red sofa scrolling through Instagram thinking where else I would eat next. When there was sunlight back home, my life wasn’t really productive. But as the day ended, I would normally be out with my friends. I remember my dad would tell my relatives the only way to sense whether my bank account was still “alive” was to spot how constant my red car was at home. And I reminisce the times, I would drive back home from Subang or Kuala Lumpur at night. Bass, extra loud, listening to my playlist of hits. How Honne’s Someone That Love You would be on repeat, as I watched the highway lights pass me by. One by one.

 I miss the familiarity. I miss home.

12 Hours in Paris

I guess, now I understand why they call Paris "The City of Lights".

I needed to get away from the FOD fuss and classes were piling up like crazy. I must admit, I'm more than tired this semester and it's only just begun. I needed a getaway and as always, a trip across the English Channel was a comforting one. On Saturday morning, we were randomly browsing through cities and somehow ended up boarding a bus to Paris two hours later. I told Naqib that my previous experience in the capital was not a memorable one. There were places I didn't go, and things which just made me not 'get the hype'. That, of course -- changed tremendously.

The day started with a quick climb to Sacre Coeur followed by gazing at the windows of shops in Champs-Elysee. I had fun risking my life to take a photo in the middle of Arc de Triomphe and we met Lady Eiffel with a cheeky Nutella crepe. He brought me to La Fayette's rooftop where I gazed upon the city lights of Paris. What a better way to end the night than with a midnight stroll as we waited to board our bus back to Lille.

-- oh and can I just add, the Indian food in Paris is amazing?!

Just A "Lille" Birthday Treat

A few days before my birthday, Naqib invited me over to celebrate. Of course, I was a bit sceptical. One, he is never nice to me - all throughout our little Iceland trip, we were basically on a sarcasm war with each other, and two, I was not sure what to expect. The last time I had met Naqib at that time, things were pretty awkward that we didn't even bid proper goodbyes. 

After consulting Erina and Hud and their firm persuasion that it may be a "once in a lifetime" opportunity, I bought a bus ticket dated for a day after my birthday. I boarded a bus with Salah at 3AM to London and endured another 5 hours, alone, conquering two seats to Lille, France. 

We spent the first day chilling, eating tacos and watching some movie I can't remember. The next day he brought me around the city. From having French cuisine for lunch, surprising me with my one and only birthday cake for the year, a lovely tour of the Art Museum and ending the night by seeing the beautiful night lights Lille had to offer - he made sure that the 5 hours (+ 1 hour claustrophobic EuroTunnel experience) journey was worth it. 

A weekend art flea market which sold magazine cover artworks and books mostly in French.

The funny story behind this surprise was he spoke French to waiter telling him to bring the cake with a candle on top. The waiter, of course was dumbfounded that since I was there listening to the conversation the whole time that was until Naqib told him I had no idea what they were speaking in French, lol. 

Being an avid lover of cheesecakes - of course, I was estatically over the moon when this arrived with a cute pink candle on top. Hands down, best cheesecake I've ever tasted.

Christmas decorations were still prominently displayed around the city - even on the 7th of January.

  

We ate a lot that weekend - definitely a huge difference than the dry tuna or shredded chicken and mayo sandwiches we gobbled just for the sake of being full while in Iceland. I learned a lot of French history and how its architecture varied from North to South. He even made me walk in the cold, with my high heeled boots to see a unique church with no windows (he legit made me guess for five minutes what made the church unique until I realised.. "oh yeah, no windows"..). Probably a city worth visiting again and definitely an amazing way to celebrate my 23rd birthday.

To another year of thrilling wanderlust, random adventures (+ decisions) and a heck load of ups and downs along the way. I'm looking forward to see how this year is going to be like! (winks)

The Story of Angus

Iceland, was a series of events on its own - mostly unfortunate, but we managed to pull through, alhamdulillah. On the 26th of December, we checked out early in morning. The weather was again, about the detrimental but we were used to it. Sunrise was late in Iceland, so even at 8AM, the city was dead, pitch black. Only the lights of Christmas decorations brightened the roads - heck, even some of the street lamps were dead. Our ETA was in about 12 hours, from Fáskrúðsfjörður to Reykjavík and the slippery roads almost caused our car to skid off a cliff, but we managed to pull through seeing a scenic sunrise from the highway, surrounded by snowy mountains, lakes and eventually the sea.

About 3 hours in, that was when we met Angus.

Angus was a beauty of its own. Angus was a compilation of every terrain on Earth. Angus, was load as it crashed its waves on it black pebbled sand beach. Angus - was everything more than I imagined any beauty of Earth would be. The best part was, Angus was ours and only ours. There was not a single other human being at sight. As soon as we got out of the car, we ran on Angus's rocky mini-cliffs, we crossed its fresh mountain water river, and we caught sight to its frozen ice lake which reflected the surrounding mountains beautiful. I was speechless, and a part of me was left teary eyed. Erina, was bawling at its beauty. Even the boys, were astounded by the beauty of Angus.

That vivid feeling,

of what I want, what I need, what I deserve.

I am more than what I had limit myself to,

and in the brief moment of contentment - I let go.

I finally felt free.

A part of me felt like the Almighty opened the secret doors of Angus just for us - and I was, truly, deeply blessed. It was surreal, it was.. magical. I sat on its black sand terrain, and I began to reflect. How life was before Angus, and how much I've missed out on life - on how much, I've missed myself. 

I bid farewell, to you my old friend - 2016.

And I welcome you, 2017. 

With an open heart, with open arms.