The Journey to Completing My Thesis

-- was a rough one.

I had months to prepare everything but being the procrastinating student I am, I left it to the last minute to complete it. From focus groups interviews, to real interviews, to having your focus group interview rejected by the company's HR (ya, seriously) and then to meeting your supervisor just to know your data is not enough and you have to screen around 200+ articles to conduct a content analysis. There were nights I cried tears, contemplating whether they were real tears or tears of blood.

Ok that's just me being dramatic, but I did cry in the process. I was so, so stressed out.

Two months before my thesis was due, I came back to Malaysia. It was the perfect plan. I wanted to settle all my focus group and personal interviews, have a nice time eating plates of Nasi Kandar and Nasi Lemak and just chill in hot weather. My first night in Malaysia, instead of being happy and enjoying lovely family time I had dreaded for almost a year, shit happened and just like that, my three weeks of happiness became three weeks of me having to overcome a bunch of negative feelings.

Nope, it doesn't stop there. A week after, the focus group I had previously conducted with a company in Malaysia caught me off guard by an e-mail by the company's HR saying I can't use the data as it the company's privacy laws. A week after that, again left slapped with more unnecessary drama. It got to a point where I had so much burden inside of me, I legit felt like quitting my dissertation and either extending getting a Master's Degree or just fuck it, come home empty handed.

Alhamdulillah, I got my shit together (is that even appropriate to put in a sentence) and gained all the confidence I could to finish everything up. My sleeping cycle eventually became less of a cycle but more of a dead line (nope, no sleep) and I lost weight in the process but God knows how happy I was to see my beautiful, binded, maroon dissertation printed to perfection (despite the printing service conducting a typo but ok, takpelah, I let you go this time). Seeing the 20,000 words I typed miraculously in a few weeks made the stress worthwhile.

Of course, it was a fleeting moment.
... and then I booked a flight and went back to Malaysia the next day. Lol.

But besides all that, I realized something.

I used to be the girl who hated going to school. Honestly, the grades I've gotten to pass where I am now was just mere luck. I always hated exams and the thought of my 2nd Grade Bahasa Melayu teacher who said I wasn't going "anywhere" since I failed the subject at that time always changed my perception towards our education system (Disclaimer: I wasn't dumb. I had just came back from living in the States -- mind you, Cikgu Wahida, I got constant A's for BM till SPM after that). Never, have I ever, thought of doing a Master's Degree but once I clicked "submit" for my thesis on Turn-it-in, it made me realize 1001 things I may have never imagined myself doing which I just.. may end up doing.

No - this does not mean I'm signing up to do a PhD. It just made me realize, that I'm pretty much unstoppable if I constantly believe I deserve it. That's all. So what's next guys?

Torn To Go Home

Few more weeks till I leave this town for good -- and honestly, I'm jumbled up with a thousand mixed feelings.

A part of me wanted to make a living here. For a year, I tried searching for jobs. I got a few yet due to visa restrictions, I had to turn them down. I crave for a nomadic life. I grew up somewhere foreign and I had always felt like I belonged somewhere else, not in Malaysia. 

But being here, taught me a lot about appreciating home, and most importantly appreciating the time left to be with family.

Thankfully, I did not lose anyone close to me this year, yet I saw friends losing family members so dear to them I cannot bear being almost 10,000km apart and not saying my last goodbyes. Because I know how hard it was for them, and deep down, I'm still the youngest child in the family who craves my parents attention above anything else -- and I don't want to separate myself from them, not just yet. 

At the same time a part of me wanted to give back to the place I call home. I may not have spent all my years growing up in Malaysia, but oh god, do I have plans to make it into something else. Nothing is more rewarding to me than helping others, and I want to be known for that, not just simply just another girl with a foreign Master's Degree or the girl with many followers on Instagram. I want to use the influence I have to help those, without exposure, to be exposed of their passion and talent. Because I know I am capable of making a change and nothing would make me happier than helping others achieve success as well. 

Perhaps, once upon a time ago, I was naive.

Perhaps, one day I will end up back in a plane, 13 hours to work in a familiar destination.
But for now, my heart yearns for home. 

This is An Honest Post

Though this is something I would rather not remember the rest of my life, help me God, I hope one day the next guy I date will read this and take caution of how fragile my heart can be. Because I am tired. I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of being the one blamed for being the cause of every negativity in a relationship -- most importantly, I am tired of being cheated on, countless of times. I am tired.

I trust you enough to tell you my aspirations, my flaws. I put your world ahead of mine and the least you could have done for me was to respect my feelings as a human being - yet, you cheated. God knows while you told me I meant the world to you, you were swiping right, or even chatting your devilish ways with another girl I would not even want to know who, how or see her face.

Because nothing grounds a man like respect.
Disappointing to know that you're nothing near a man. You're just a wimp.

A Year's Worth

The people I spent a year invading their house for free food and entertainment graduated today - and of course, I couldn't be happier. The day before, Hassan brought me out to the city to just walk around and clear my head off. We watched a movie, ate lunch/early dinner - he even become my fashion consultant for the day picking out dresses at Topshop - lol. We bought a film camera for fun and just lazed around at the park, but I guess that's for another day's story. 

Today we celebrate the Engineering boys finally ending their four year pursuit - the four boys who were my brothers through out my journey here in Cardiff - and also the two lawyers who had to layan me crying like a donkey last week at St. David's. 

I'm going to miss you guys - being left behind in Cardiff alone is going to be a bore. Thank you guys, for always being there for me and opening your doors whenever living alone felt dreadful. This sea gull infested place won't be the same without you.

One Reason to Make Up For All Thirteen

I finished watching 13 Reasons Why a few days ago.

I thought the progression was a bit too slow. I catch myself skipping through scenes and then having to rewind them again just because I didn't get what was going on. I read the book once upon a time ago, but Young Adult fiction was always predictable to me. When the series got good reviews, I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and I feel neutral about it.

However, I did feel like they portrayed the struggles of every wallflower perfectly.

Of how some girls will prioritise the opinions of others than the comfort being in their own skin, or how some boys would want to have fun, feeling proud with ego like no other when they win the chase. Of course, going through high school in Malaysia was a bit different - especially mine, being conservative but I still see things like this happening around me, even at the age of twenty three. In fact, I might as well bring this statement to a mirror because I could predict almost 70% of what would happen -- and I wasn't really shook with the outcome.

What I would like to state though is that if you care enough about someone, never leave them alone. As annoying as it may sound, some people just want a little bit of attention. The words you say may be sensitive and you may think it's "not a big deal" but reactions create different emotions - so be wary. I can vouch for the fact that despite you having everything in your grip, no matter what age, one day you may lose the tolerance, the patience and just snap out and realise how lonely you are. That's when shit fucks things up. 

And you, if you really cared - why did you let go?