Thickening The Air

One more month - (breathes) I'm hesitating.

Last Sunday I went to my pre-departure briefing and I was surrounded by eager faces, anxious parents and most of all - bright students, all about to bid adieu. Then there I was, half-heartedly standing there with my palms all sweaty. I was nervous, but as much as I've dreamt of this day to come - a major part of me suddenly felt like I didn't want to go.

Out of the blue, questions which I've never asked myself swept through my mind like a strong current. One by one, the International Officer presented her slides but all I thought about was "I want to go home", "maybe this just isn't for me", "exactly what am I doing?".

I hope I'm not the stupidest one there.
I hope I don't get homesick.
What if I do get homesick? I can't go back, its too expensive.
I hope the lecturers don't mind me asking stupid questions - I tend to do that a lot sometimes.
I hope things don't change at home.
I hope I won't be depressed.

I hope I don't screw things up. 

4.26 AM Thoughts

Source: @makaib 

I've been feeling like an emotional wreck lately and I can't seem to be putting my feelings into words. Pardon me, I do realize - I have issues. All these years, I've been trying to cope with dealing with my feelings. I admit, I'm not the best in that department, but I'm trying. I may seem bubbly on the outside but honestly, I'm a ticking time-bomb. Growing up, I learned to keep it all in. Whatever I felt at that moment of time was somehow temporary, and eventually I'd have to let it go somehow. But in the end, it gets trapped inside of me... a bubbling cauldron of emotions. Once I do explode, its inevitable for me to avoid it. You see, how badly I deal with my feelings has caused me to hurt the people around me. I've lost people around me. That's why its better for me to keep it all in. Let me be alone at times. I'll be fine, and I'm pretty sure I am fine.

Maybe it's because I've been tired of a lot of things. My mind has been all over the place lately.