65:3

-- today's podcast taught me:

• "Whoever puts his trust in Allah; He will be enough for him" - to put trust in God first, before human connection. His plan for you the best plan that could ever be for you. 
• Constant communication with Allah SWT. Imaan is a journey - don't be too hard on yourself. Ask Him for forgiveness and build your connection.

At times I catch myself leading astray and you throw me events to pull my faith closer to you. May I never lose sight of you Ya Allah and may you guide me to the right path destined for me. 

The Engagement

I got engaged on 30 August 2020 - would I have ever imagined to say those words "I got engaged"? No, in fact, almost four months in - I'm still getting used to the fact that I no longer have boyfriend but I have a fiance. 

I've never written anything about how I met Kadir, or how we fell in love or got together because I'll be honest - I was scared. I had baggage, I had my fair share of paranoia which took exact/if not more than three years of me pondering about, jumping from one attachment to another to be stable and find myself. 

And no, he didn't come in a horse carriage, slaughtering dragons to bring me down from a tower - but Kadir he came at a time where things just felt right, a time where I felt safe. Though falling for him was with caution, it felt like a warm, safe hug. Thus, for me at least - why we initiated the process to get hitched, lol.

But what made the day special, really was the fact that everything was done by us. I remember contemplating about hiring a decorator for weeks - only to have my two close uncles come by a day before. My Pak Ndak brought plants all the way from his garden in Ipoh and my Uncle Zarool was kind enough to lend his wooden chair and decorate my mini-pelamin. 

Amalina and Nabilah came over the night before to calm me down and help my mum with the doorgifts and well I'zaz was with me through out the week just to make sure I was doing the right thing, lol. I had all these important people around me - the people who I grew up with and it felt good to just be around them that whole weekend. 

The road to getting engaged wasn't smooth - but I guess what mattered most was we both stuck together like glue.. and that's how things will be forever.

For you, I say yes - forever and more

It's been 382 days since you told me you love me & on this day you asked your mum, to seal my heart and yours with a ring. If I were to gather the bets I've lost, I might've been able to place a downpayment on a new house. Of the many times I've told people that marriage just wasn't for me - here I am, now parading the world with a band on my finger. To show that I am taken, a proof I am loved - but mostly important that I am yours.

It's been 378 days since we went to the beach.

& on that day, we were watching the sunset with our toes in the sand and I smiled and told you I love you.

What happened next, I remember was you pulling me closer - to repeat what I've said. Little did I know, those three words would be a permanent feeling; my forevermore. That evening, the sun and its rays bear witness to you and me. The drive home was nothing less than content.Similar to how I feel right now.

As I type this, I look at this ring - placed with its tiny diamonds. 

That this symbol was contentment, safety - a symbol of assurance, that I wouldn't want anything else but you. 

You.

Just you.

Forever you.

I walked down the stairs and I took my last steps. I saw no exit doors just a path - a road, to you. As you sat near the wall looking at me, cluelessly navigating my way around the room, I was shy to lock eyes with you. Because I knew, I would've cried buckets. If only God knew how much I love you - indeed the theories of the sea flooding soil/earth. And as the ring fit perfectly in my finger, I knew - I had nowhere else to turn back to, but to you. 

I thank you, 

For existing in my life.

And for telling me, you love me - 382 days ago.

Forever, and always.