One more month - (breathes) I'm hesitating.
Last Sunday I went to my pre-departure briefing and I was surrounded by eager faces, anxious parents and most of all - bright students, all about to bid adieu. Then there I was, half-heartedly standing there with my palms all sweaty. I was nervous, but as much as I've dreamt of this day to come - a major part of me suddenly felt like I didn't want to go.
Out of the blue, questions which I've never asked myself swept through my mind like a strong current. One by one, the International Officer presented her slides but all I thought about was "I want to go home", "maybe this just isn't for me", "exactly what am I doing?".
I hope I'm not the stupidest one there.
I hope I don't get homesick.
What if I do get homesick? I can't go back, its too expensive.
I hope the lecturers don't mind me asking stupid questions - I tend to do that a lot sometimes.
I hope things don't change at home.
I hope I won't be depressed.
I hope I don't screw things up.
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You'll be fine, Aisyah. I guess it's normal to feel that way. And pls keep your readers/followers updated hehe
ReplyDeleteHi there, inshaAllah I'm hoping for the best! I'm trying to be more active on this blog, hopefully I'll be able to keep up the pace! Thank you for your kind wishes, x.
DeleteI have been following you for quite a while now (on social medias) and I don't know why but in my eyes, you are a strong woman. You just give off this aura and I really really look up to you. I tell myself that one day I want to be as confident, brave, strong and as successful as you are. It's normal to feel like that I guess, before taking such a big step in your life. (It's syaitoonn, hehehe). But you'll be fine. You're strong, Aisyah! You can do this! :D Good luck! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much it means a lot to me and for the support as well! I know I have a long way to go, but your words have motivated me and made me feel more at ease to achieve my dreams. Yes, perhaps all these distractions are just the doing of syaiton (hahah) but I know, I'll buck up - I have to buck up, soon anyway. Again, thank you! I wish you all the best, and good luck with your future endeavours as well! (hugs) x
DeleteLet me share with you a thing or two about postgraduate studies. Honestly, it is challenging. It is more than just reading a few textbooks and doing exercises. If you faced difficulties during your undergraduate studies, trust me this could be much harder than whatever obstacles that you had to go through upon completing your studies. I was an A++ student in Malaysia. In here, I need to constantly tell myself that grades do not matter and that this is just another learning process that I have to undergo. It is difficult, no kidding. I am depressed (sampai balik Malaysia a few weeks ago, walaupun I nak balik dah September ni). I do not know about your programme but my programme does not really allow me to travel much. At times, you will feel lonely although you have your boyfriend video calling you every night. You will need to read, read and read to deepen your understanding towards something. It is the application of critical thinking that matters here. You will meet philosophical people and you would have to listen carefully to their claims to start arguing with them. Then, they will question everything. I do not have many Malaysian friends here, mainly because I am the only postgraduate student in Edinburgh who is on JPA scholarship. Also, I am the only Malaysian in my class, heck, in my programme. But whatever it is, I would like to tell you that if I can do things alone here, I am sure you will be fine. I am a physically - challenged person and I had never been away from my family. I was as terrified as you are but I had to play it cool in front of my family. Otherwise, they would not allow me to study here. Hehe. Long story short, you need to see me before flying off to the United Kingdom. Then, you will know :P - Fatin
ReplyDeleteHi Fatin! First and foremost I'd like to thank you for reading and supporting my blog. Thank you for your kind, kind comments (since I know we both face LDR as well hehe). I hope to make the fullest out of my future experience in Cardiff and its good to hear some honesty from someone who's currently experiencing the life I'm about to embark in. Hopefully I'll be able to be as strong, and as independent as you are. Congratulations on finishing your Masters as well! So proud and happy to see people around me achieve great things, Ameen.
DeleteWhen are you coming back? I'm leaving on the 14th next month. Or else, we'll meet in the UK? x
Omg when I went for my briefing, I felt the same way. The only thoughts I had were "I don't wanna do this anymore" or "What if I screw up over there?"
ReplyDeleteNot gonna lie, it has only been a week for me in Melbourne and I've already felt so depressed. My parents still haven't gone back to Malaysia yet but I cry almost every night missing friends, my cats, everything, everyone. It's been so hard right now. I don't know how I'd be when they go back to Malaysia.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Me sharing you my current situation isn't a way for me to bring you down. I just thought it'd help to not feel so alone, that there are people out there on the same boat.
They say the first few months are always the most difficult. I really hope that's true because wanting to constantly cry is so exhausting and it's distracting me from my studies. Good luck to you! InsyaAllah everything will be fine.
Thank you Nadiya, I hope you're doing well in Melbourne. Your input on how you're dealing with it is helping me to be prepared for what I'm about to go through. It'll be my first time away from my family for a long time - heck, my first time living alone as well! I hope you're dealing with everything okay over there. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be happy to be a lending ear! (hug)
DeleteI wish you all the best babe, and likewise. Hoping all goes well for you too, Ameen! x