Constantly reminding myself - I am strong and I needed this to be independent. Though we made a million plans to one day be here together, I hope you know that some things are for the best.
Wednesday, December 7
Talk Enough Sense, You'll Lose Your Mind
I guess I’ve lived with a heart full of love for years, having it empty feels a little bit weird. Even though I may come off bitter, its better to at least have an emotion than none. Eitherway, thankful for this bunch for being with me this week - feeling homesick, torn, and just lost in this city.
Wednesday, November 23
A
Hey.
It's a little bit weird not having you around anymore. Did I tell you, I saw a cockroach while walking back from Tesco the other day? It reminded me of that time we went out for dinner and you legit left me in the middle of the road while you did those sprints of yours. I get it. You were a runner in school and I was the girl who barely cared - but leaving me in the middle of the road at that time? Erm, not cool.
I think its been three months since I've been here. We haven't talked in about a month or so. I mean, I guess I still hope its you whenever my phone rings. But things just aren't the same anymore. Things can't be the same anymore. I know life sucks, it sucks for all of us. But I heard you're going to camps, and joining motivational talks - things I told you once upon a time ago to do, so I guess, parting aways did have its good affect on you.
How can you shout at a girl, and curse at her but then claim you still love her though. I can't really brain that to be honest, and I can't imagine myself being with someone who continously does that. I mean, am I supposed to forgive and forget every time just to be reminded that I'm (lets put this in a mild term shall we?) pathetic the next week - nah. I don't see my future being that way. I don't think so.
Negative impacts aside, I guess what I wanted to type down was thank you. For the seven years of ups and downs, as much as you were someone I considered spending my life with once upon a time ago, you were, overall my best-friend. For seven years, you were my plus one (despite you being MIA for two years, but hey - I ditched our plan on that one, sorry). I guess I don't regret any of it. Of course it left me a bit paranoid and I'm still unsure whether or not I'll ever be open to serious relationships ever again, but I guess if I don't, you let me experience such a feeling - and I thank you for that.
See the thing about you and me is that once upon a time ago, we were compatible.
But I guess like seasons, time and age - we grow, we shed leaves, we grow leaves, we fall apart.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
A.
Friday, October 7
Write
A guest lecturer from a PR company came by today and she emphasised on the importance of writing - which totally made me realize, how I've neglected you dear blog. How are you?!
The reason why I started blogging back then was to have a platform for me to record; events, outfits (yes!) and routines and vent things which I went through while growing up. It's fun to read back old posts for the sake of reminiscing. This blog was never meant to be something serious, although I love how over the past years, I've been able to share my stories with you guys and having readers who interact and relate to what I'm going through, and helping me make decisions. For all that's been going on in this tiny little sharing space, thank you, for making me love blogging and allowing me to write, write and write.
I'm not much of a storyteller, but I've always enjoyed reading stories and making my own little collection of fiction pieces. My first grade teacher was Ms. Markowitz. She had curly brown hair, a thick New York accent and smelled like coffee every morning. Ms. Markowitz made me fall in love with writing. The class would do book reports, make our own books, and write our own little diary! She introduced me to one of my favourite fictional characters, Harriet the Spy, who loved writing her observations. Learning English in the States was different than in Malaysia where almost everything was exam based. Although we learned literature and did comprehension exercises, everyone around me was more keen in getting A's instead of truly understanding 'The Dead Crow' which I still memorise, by heart. Feeling restricted, I started this blog!
Being able to write freely made me feel like I had freedom to be curious, sit in my bubble of thoughts and evaluate them through my writings. One day, perhaps the 30 year-old version of me would be reading back all my "thoughts" and I'd compare my views of then and "now". I'd be able to see and evaluate change and improve myself. I'd be able to make better versions of myself through my writings, day by day.
I'm writing this post as a reminder to myself. If I ever feel like giving up writing, or I'm not good enough to be in an industry of writers and speakers to give myself a break and realise that I'm constantly growing. I'd take a few steps back, perhaps read this and be reminded of how I fell in love with the art and hopefully be back on my own two feet again - stronger and full of spirit to achieve whatever comes my way.
Good night!
The reason why I started blogging back then was to have a platform for me to record; events, outfits (yes!) and routines and vent things which I went through while growing up. It's fun to read back old posts for the sake of reminiscing. This blog was never meant to be something serious, although I love how over the past years, I've been able to share my stories with you guys and having readers who interact and relate to what I'm going through, and helping me make decisions. For all that's been going on in this tiny little sharing space, thank you, for making me love blogging and allowing me to write, write and write.
I'm not much of a storyteller, but I've always enjoyed reading stories and making my own little collection of fiction pieces. My first grade teacher was Ms. Markowitz. She had curly brown hair, a thick New York accent and smelled like coffee every morning. Ms. Markowitz made me fall in love with writing. The class would do book reports, make our own books, and write our own little diary! She introduced me to one of my favourite fictional characters, Harriet the Spy, who loved writing her observations. Learning English in the States was different than in Malaysia where almost everything was exam based. Although we learned literature and did comprehension exercises, everyone around me was more keen in getting A's instead of truly understanding 'The Dead Crow' which I still memorise, by heart. Feeling restricted, I started this blog!
Being able to write freely made me feel like I had freedom to be curious, sit in my bubble of thoughts and evaluate them through my writings. One day, perhaps the 30 year-old version of me would be reading back all my "thoughts" and I'd compare my views of then and "now". I'd be able to see and evaluate change and improve myself. I'd be able to make better versions of myself through my writings, day by day.
I'm writing this post as a reminder to myself. If I ever feel like giving up writing, or I'm not good enough to be in an industry of writers and speakers to give myself a break and realise that I'm constantly growing. I'd take a few steps back, perhaps read this and be reminded of how I fell in love with the art and hopefully be back on my own two feet again - stronger and full of spirit to achieve whatever comes my way.
Good night!
Wednesday, October 5
Look at How The Stars Shine For You
If you don't know what Breacon Beacon is, its a national park about an hour away from Cardiff. I've always wanted to go there during the day, never would I ever imagined to go there when the weather was freezing and pitch black. So okay, here I was thinking that the spot Malo was about to bring us was a proper place. It seemed to be like a parking spot, so I felt like it was safe. That was when the roads became smaller, the hills became steeper and sooner you know it, barbed wires and wooden gates surrounded us. "Where on Earth are we?" "Hm, I don't know. Just following the coordinates". Luqman was driving, and clueless as he could ever be. Salah and Erina were having fights at the back over old music. We drove, and drove until we reached the gates of a farm. We decided to just park there and trespass our way up the fields. Bringing our blankets, packets of chips and a speaker - we laid down.. munching, talking about lifed. We did nothing but look at the stars, huddled up together since the weather was extremely cold. The stars watched as a bunch of kids talk about life, giggling every time they heard a goat or a cow make noise, or even the barking of a distant dog. We left around 4AM and reached back to Cardiff around 6AM.
I want to remember this night - and though my words may be all over the place, it was pretty indescribable to begin with.
I want to remember this night - and though my words may be all over the place, it was pretty indescribable to begin with.
Sunday, September 18
Croeso I Caerdydd
Fourth day here in Cardiff and I finally have the time to just chill.
Honestly, I have a huge feeling that half of why I'm lethargic right now is caused by pre-departure stress and preparations. I had to go to Warta almost every single day since I kept forgetting to buy the simplest things; from Brahim and Maggi mee packets to shawl pins. I spent most of my last days in Malaysia with close friends and most importantly, my family and cats. I left till the last minute to properly organize and pack my luggage. I owe Ina many thank yous since she came about an hour before I was due to leave the airport. We repacked my luggage, rolling almost everything and stuffing packets of Milo and Brahim in any little space we could find.
As soon as I finished my supper on the flight, I immediately fell asleep and woke up above Belarus. Funny thing was, a few minutes after, I fell asleep, again, and I woke up in Rotterdam. I rarely sleep for long hours on flights since I'm a light sleeper but this one was a first. I think it was purely because I was so, so tired.
I reached Heathrow around 4.50 AM but I had to wait till 10 AM before I could board the bus to Cardiff. Once I reached my halls, settled my GP registration, I unpacked, took a shower and off I went to the post office to collect my BRP and the city to buy a few necessities; pillows, toiletries and decorations to make my room feel like home. By the time I was done, I was carrying a huge heavy bag which I gave up mid-walk and ended up taking a taxi back to halls instead. Since the only meal I had for the day was a salmon sandwich which Hatta kindly accompanied me to buy at Heathrow, by evening I was not only jet-lagged and exhausted, I was also hungry. Way too hungry, that on my first day I had already felt like complaining that I want rice. I want Wong Solo. I want to go home just to eat. Luckily, Nadz came over and brought me to a place called Zi's Cafe. We had rice, African chicken (which, by far is the bomb dot com, I can eat this forever here) and simple lettuce with oyster sauce. Immediately I felt like home - with my stomach full, I came back, took another shower and I was flat dead again.
That was my first day experience here. The rest of my days were filled with settling university and bank matters, exploring the city by myself - of course, with casual random trips in and out of Zara and Primark. The city is about 5-7 minutes walk from my halls. Halal meat and Tesco Express is right in front of my house, plus an abundance of Halal restaurants all in walking distance. I'm so happy I chose to stay here, everything is near and convenient.
On Friday night, I turned on my camera and apparently something was wrong with my lens. My mood obviously flipped since God knows how diligent I've been maintaining and caring for my camera. Again, thanks to Nadz, she accompanied me to the city on Saturday morning after a huge breakfast of pancakes and hash browns (by far, the best hash browns I've ever eaten). We went to Camera Centre at Morgan Avenue. Although it was costly, I was so happy to finally use my camera... too happy, that we went to Cardiff Bay right after so I could take pictures.
The people here are so nice and I love conversing with them. I come out of almost every taxi here with a new perspective, it's mind opening really. A nice Pakistani driver talked about equal rights and justice of men and women in Islam, a Somalian driver talked about the education in Malaysia and the UK. At the Camera Centre, Simon, who helped me with my camera talked about music and it's always a joy getting to know someone has a similar taste with you. Knowing what people think is something enjoyable to me, especially when it concerns current affairs and I'm simply in love with the environment.
Honestly, I have a huge feeling that half of why I'm lethargic right now is caused by pre-departure stress and preparations. I had to go to Warta almost every single day since I kept forgetting to buy the simplest things; from Brahim and Maggi mee packets to shawl pins. I spent most of my last days in Malaysia with close friends and most importantly, my family and cats. I left till the last minute to properly organize and pack my luggage. I owe Ina many thank yous since she came about an hour before I was due to leave the airport. We repacked my luggage, rolling almost everything and stuffing packets of Milo and Brahim in any little space we could find.
As soon as I finished my supper on the flight, I immediately fell asleep and woke up above Belarus. Funny thing was, a few minutes after, I fell asleep, again, and I woke up in Rotterdam. I rarely sleep for long hours on flights since I'm a light sleeper but this one was a first. I think it was purely because I was so, so tired.
I reached Heathrow around 4.50 AM but I had to wait till 10 AM before I could board the bus to Cardiff. Once I reached my halls, settled my GP registration, I unpacked, took a shower and off I went to the post office to collect my BRP and the city to buy a few necessities; pillows, toiletries and decorations to make my room feel like home. By the time I was done, I was carrying a huge heavy bag which I gave up mid-walk and ended up taking a taxi back to halls instead. Since the only meal I had for the day was a salmon sandwich which Hatta kindly accompanied me to buy at Heathrow, by evening I was not only jet-lagged and exhausted, I was also hungry. Way too hungry, that on my first day I had already felt like complaining that I want rice. I want Wong Solo. I want to go home just to eat. Luckily, Nadz came over and brought me to a place called Zi's Cafe. We had rice, African chicken (which, by far is the bomb dot com, I can eat this forever here) and simple lettuce with oyster sauce. Immediately I felt like home - with my stomach full, I came back, took another shower and I was flat dead again.
That was my first day experience here. The rest of my days were filled with settling university and bank matters, exploring the city by myself - of course, with casual random trips in and out of Zara and Primark. The city is about 5-7 minutes walk from my halls. Halal meat and Tesco Express is right in front of my house, plus an abundance of Halal restaurants all in walking distance. I'm so happy I chose to stay here, everything is near and convenient.
On Friday night, I turned on my camera and apparently something was wrong with my lens. My mood obviously flipped since God knows how diligent I've been maintaining and caring for my camera. Again, thanks to Nadz, she accompanied me to the city on Saturday morning after a huge breakfast of pancakes and hash browns (by far, the best hash browns I've ever eaten). We went to Camera Centre at Morgan Avenue. Although it was costly, I was so happy to finally use my camera... too happy, that we went to Cardiff Bay right after so I could take pictures.
The people here are so nice and I love conversing with them. I come out of almost every taxi here with a new perspective, it's mind opening really. A nice Pakistani driver talked about equal rights and justice of men and women in Islam, a Somalian driver talked about the education in Malaysia and the UK. At the Camera Centre, Simon, who helped me with my camera talked about music and it's always a joy getting to know someone has a similar taste with you. Knowing what people think is something enjoyable to me, especially when it concerns current affairs and I'm simply in love with the environment.
My new, everyday view.
Anyway, I'm still a bit jet-lagged but my body's slowly adjusting. I'll end this post with a few pictures of this new city I call home. Let me know what else you'd like to know about my journey here! Till then, x.
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