The New Normal

I just came back from a hopping row in Petaling Street. It's been awhile since I went out and due to a lot of external factors lately, it felt great to be able to hop from one restaurant to another to just try new things, talk and just drink. I feel like I've been avoiding the truth lately - just like how I've been avoiding mentioning the pandemic in this blog.

Literally, I've deleted almost every social media once/twice but this blog remains my one and only social media archive on the world wide web yet I have never spoken about life in the pandemic.. and it's been a year? Can you believe that? My state of denial to record the currently "new normal" we live in has last more/if so a year. 

And many things have changed in that year. 
And I've never really addressed it to myself - how I've felt in that one year.

For many, I might have seemed lucky. Work for resumed as normal, savings were kept as I live in a house with my parents. But as privileged as I sound - I was definitely not okay. Stress levels were at ultimate high where I realised my hair was falling out, my sleeping cycle is fucked up - which I've grown to just accept and live with and I just feel 'another one' in the world.

& though I've come to a point where I can just live with it, I feel like I owe myself to just ask - am I really okay?

What a Year, 2020

I'm never one to celebrate New Years. Cliche, but to me it's just another day to another year. But 2020 was different. The world was literally put on halt and as much as the we tried to live our normal lives, there were restrictions. Many, many, restrictions - that Yana and I were literally on a dead end trying to convince the boys to plan a trip.

& we're super glad we managed to do so - because it was exactly what we needed. 3 days out of the hustle and bustle of virtual e-mails and video conferences and in foreign yet local cities to just chill.

We brought chairs out to the lawn before the downpour started - chilly weather, despite smoke from the BBQ.

The boys did a wonderful job planning the food and AJ's marinade was creme de le crem.

The gang surprised me with a double unicorn cake - did not expect this at all, I got all teary eyed lol.

We played games, laughed and twerked. At midnight, while we counted down the seconds to a New Year - Ipoh was suddenly lit with a firework performance. The eight of us ran to the lawn to see sprinkles of red, white, blue and green decorate the sky - as we hugged and wished each other Happy New Year, we bid adieu to 2020 and for a moment, the world seemed normal again. 

The next few hours were us, reflecting what a year it has been. We laughed and cried at the happiness and sufferings we've been through and what stuck in the my mind through out the session was how the boys reiterated to us, many times - that regardless, we are family. 

With some feeling feverish and suffering mild headaches, we cleaned the lawn the very next morning and headed to Hollywood for breakfast. After a few smokes, we headed to Tasik Cermin for a short hike and off to Penang for another round of food.

Short fuel and toilet break - we took many breaks through out this trip.

In Penang, we checked in to our AirBnB - rested and feasted. A windy afternoon was spent eating Pasemboq, Grilled Clams and Laksa by the beach in Padang Kota. Followed by a short trip to Jelutong to meet Hassan and his choice of Nasi Kandar. We then headed to Love Lane for a Mexican fiesta - with new aliases and back to the AirBnB to finish our leftovers.

Gave the boys new names.

I bonded so much more with the girls during this trip.

I woke up early the next morning to make sure everyone had a good, wholesome Penang breakfast. Ordered Apom, Thosai Rawa and Roti Canai and decided to surprise them once they woke up - of course, I couldn't have done it with Yana who helped wait for the Grab driver for me. 

15 minutes before check out - yet everyone still gobbling food.

In the mood for a coffee fix, Kadir and I brought them to Lunabar - since it was early, we had the place all to ourselves.

After a hearty meal at Kapitan, last stop was Teo Chew cendol.

Escaped the New Year traffic by going home a day earlier - the route back to KL was smooth. Managed to be home before midnight despite the many toilet and snack breaks. Though there were three in my car, I drove accompanied by the sounds of French Kiwi Juice while pondering what's next in life. 

I hope to cherish each and every moment and to keep only those who are near.

And I hope, for the bonds I've grown attached to - to grow closer, and may the year bless us all. 

65:3

-- today's podcast taught me:

• "Whoever puts his trust in Allah; He will be enough for him" - to put trust in God first, before human connection. His plan for you the best plan that could ever be for you. 
• Constant communication with Allah SWT. Imaan is a journey - don't be too hard on yourself. Ask Him for forgiveness and build your connection.

At times I catch myself leading astray and you throw me events to pull my faith closer to you. May I never lose sight of you Ya Allah and may you guide me to the right path destined for me. 

The Engagement

I got engaged on 30 August 2020 - would I have ever imagined to say those words "I got engaged"? No, in fact, almost four months in - I'm still getting used to the fact that I no longer have boyfriend but I have a fiance. 

I've never written anything about how I met Kadir, or how we fell in love or got together because I'll be honest - I was scared. I had baggage, I had my fair share of paranoia which took exact/if not more than three years of me pondering about, jumping from one attachment to another to be stable and find myself. 

And no, he didn't come in a horse carriage, slaughtering dragons to bring me down from a tower - but Kadir he came at a time where things just felt right, a time where I felt safe. Though falling for him was with caution, it felt like a warm, safe hug. Thus, for me at least - why we initiated the process to get hitched, lol.

But what made the day special, really was the fact that everything was done by us. I remember contemplating about hiring a decorator for weeks - only to have my two close uncles come by a day before. My Pak Ndak brought plants all the way from his garden in Ipoh and my Uncle Zarool was kind enough to lend his wooden chair and decorate my mini-pelamin. 

Amalina and Nabilah came over the night before to calm me down and help my mum with the doorgifts and well I'zaz was with me through out the week just to make sure I was doing the right thing, lol. I had all these important people around me - the people who I grew up with and it felt good to just be around them that whole weekend. 

The road to getting engaged wasn't smooth - but I guess what mattered most was we both stuck together like glue.. and that's how things will be forever.

For you, I say yes - forever and more

It's been 382 days since you told me you love me & on this day you asked your mum, to seal my heart and yours with a ring. If I were to gather the bets I've lost, I might've been able to place a downpayment on a new house. Of the many times I've told people that marriage just wasn't for me - here I am, now parading the world with a band on my finger. To show that I am taken, a proof I am loved - but mostly important that I am yours.

It's been 378 days since we went to the beach.

& on that day, we were watching the sunset with our toes in the sand and I smiled and told you I love you.

What happened next, I remember was you pulling me closer - to repeat what I've said. Little did I know, those three words would be a permanent feeling; my forevermore. That evening, the sun and its rays bear witness to you and me. The drive home was nothing less than content.Similar to how I feel right now.

As I type this, I look at this ring - placed with its tiny diamonds. 

That this symbol was contentment, safety - a symbol of assurance, that I wouldn't want anything else but you. 

You.

Just you.

Forever you.

I walked down the stairs and I took my last steps. I saw no exit doors just a path - a road, to you. As you sat near the wall looking at me, cluelessly navigating my way around the room, I was shy to lock eyes with you. Because I knew, I would've cried buckets. If only God knew how much I love you - indeed the theories of the sea flooding soil/earth. And as the ring fit perfectly in my finger, I knew - I had nowhere else to turn back to, but to you. 

I thank you, 

For existing in my life.

And for telling me, you love me - 382 days ago.

Forever, and always.