A Year's Worth

The people I spent a year invading their house for free food and entertainment graduated today - and of course, I couldn't be happier. The day before, Hassan brought me out to the city to just walk around and clear my head off. We watched a movie, ate lunch/early dinner - he even become my fashion consultant for the day picking out dresses at Topshop - lol. We bought a film camera for fun and just lazed around at the park, but I guess that's for another day's story. 

Today we celebrate the Engineering boys finally ending their four year pursuit - the four boys who were my brothers through out my journey here in Cardiff - and also the two lawyers who had to layan me crying like a donkey last week at St. David's. 

I'm going to miss you guys - being left behind in Cardiff alone is going to be a bore. Thank you guys, for always being there for me and opening your doors whenever living alone felt dreadful. This sea gull infested place won't be the same without you.

One Reason to Make Up For All Thirteen

I finished watching 13 Reasons Why a few days ago.

I thought the progression was a bit too slow. I catch myself skipping through scenes and then having to rewind them again just because I didn't get what was going on. I read the book once upon a time ago, but Young Adult fiction was always predictable to me. When the series got good reviews, I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and I feel neutral about it.

However, I did feel like they portrayed the struggles of every wallflower perfectly.

Of how some girls will prioritise the opinions of others than the comfort being in their own skin, or how some boys would want to have fun, feeling proud with ego like no other when they win the chase. Of course, going through high school in Malaysia was a bit different - especially mine, being conservative but I still see things like this happening around me, even at the age of twenty three. In fact, I might as well bring this statement to a mirror because I could predict almost 70% of what would happen -- and I wasn't really shook with the outcome.

What I would like to state though is that if you care enough about someone, never leave them alone. As annoying as it may sound, some people just want a little bit of attention. The words you say may be sensitive and you may think it's "not a big deal" but reactions create different emotions - so be wary. I can vouch for the fact that despite you having everything in your grip, no matter what age, one day you may lose the tolerance, the patience and just snap out and realise how lonely you are. That's when shit fucks things up. 

And you, if you really cared - why did you let go? 

Fragile

— was a state, I was in.

Horrid winter nights, when the days became shorter and the dark pitch sky were clouded unlike summer nights. As I write this, I’m sitting on a red iron bench just trying to make sense of It all. Nights like these, my head is overcrowded with thoughts with simplest answers yet they float around like riddles. Should I stay, or should I go? 

 I bit my lip as I felt trapped. Here I am, back to where it all started. Here I am, feeling things which I promised myself, never ever to go through. Here I am, allowing someone to make me feel like I have something to lose, to save. The anger inside of me pulsated my veins as I gathered my gut to be strong, yet in head he seemed like a candle. The only flickering light I have to keep me from going insane. I lied, saying everything was okay when I knew truth was a privilege. I tried burning the evidence of how cold, and unkind when I needed you there, the most. How at a time I was feeling all ends of loneliness, you made me feel like I was impossible to deal with.

In the coldest winter, I long for a field of green and flowers as my cells, day by day, built themselves because you broke me that day.

One-way Ticket Back Please?

I’ve been thinking a lot about home lately.

How I’d wake up in my pink and green walled room, with sunlight piercing through my white blinds. The first thing I would do is go downstairs, make sure all my cats were alive and well-fed, then pick one of them up and enjoy another 15 minutes cuddling a ball of fur. How every morning, my mom made me toast. Usually overly buttered, with a generous spread of marmalade on top, I’d snack on that while laying down on our red sofa scrolling through Instagram thinking where else I would eat next. When there was sunlight back home, my life wasn’t really productive. But as the day ended, I would normally be out with my friends. I remember my dad would tell my relatives the only way to sense whether my bank account was still “alive” was to spot how constant my red car was at home. And I reminisce the times, I would drive back home from Subang or Kuala Lumpur at night. Bass, extra loud, listening to my playlist of hits. How Honne’s Someone That Love You would be on repeat, as I watched the highway lights pass me by. One by one.

 I miss the familiarity. I miss home.

12 Hours in Paris

I guess, now I understand why they call Paris "The City of Lights".

I needed to get away from the FOD fuss and classes were piling up like crazy. I must admit, I'm more than tired this semester and it's only just begun. I needed a getaway and as always, a trip across the English Channel was a comforting one. On Saturday morning, we were randomly browsing through cities and somehow ended up boarding a bus to Paris two hours later. I told Naqib that my previous experience in the capital was not a memorable one. There were places I didn't go, and things which just made me not 'get the hype'. That, of course -- changed tremendously.

The day started with a quick climb to Sacre Coeur followed by gazing at the windows of shops in Champs-Elysee. I had fun risking my life to take a photo in the middle of Arc de Triomphe and we met Lady Eiffel with a cheeky Nutella crepe. He brought me to La Fayette's rooftop where I gazed upon the city lights of Paris. What a better way to end the night than with a midnight stroll as we waited to board our bus back to Lille.

-- oh and can I just add, the Indian food in Paris is amazing?!