The Engagement

I got engaged on 30 August 2020 - would I have ever imagined to say those words "I got engaged"? No, in fact, almost four months in - I'm still getting used to the fact that I no longer have boyfriend but I have a fiance. 

I've never written anything about how I met Kadir, or how we fell in love or got together because I'll be honest - I was scared. I had baggage, I had my fair share of paranoia which took exact/if not more than three years of me pondering about, jumping from one attachment to another to be stable and find myself. 

And no, he didn't come in a horse carriage, slaughtering dragons to bring me down from a tower - but Kadir he came at a time where things just felt right, a time where I felt safe. Though falling for him was with caution, it felt like a warm, safe hug. Thus, for me at least - why we initiated the process to get hitched, lol.

But what made the day special, really was the fact that everything was done by us. I remember contemplating about hiring a decorator for weeks - only to have my two close uncles come by a day before. My Pak Ndak brought plants all the way from his garden in Ipoh and my Uncle Zarool was kind enough to lend his wooden chair and decorate my mini-pelamin. 

Amalina and Nabilah came over the night before to calm me down and help my mum with the doorgifts and well I'zaz was with me through out the week just to make sure I was doing the right thing, lol. I had all these important people around me - the people who I grew up with and it felt good to just be around them that whole weekend. 

The road to getting engaged wasn't smooth - but I guess what mattered most was we both stuck together like glue.. and that's how things will be forever.

For you, I say yes - forever and more

It's been 382 days since you told me you love me & on this day you asked your mum, to seal my heart and yours with a ring. If I were to gather the bets I've lost, I might've been able to place a downpayment on a new house. Of the many times I've told people that marriage just wasn't for me - here I am, now parading the world with a band on my finger. To show that I am taken, a proof I am loved - but mostly important that I am yours.

It's been 378 days since we went to the beach.

& on that day, we were watching the sunset with our toes in the sand and I smiled and told you I love you.

What happened next, I remember was you pulling me closer - to repeat what I've said. Little did I know, those three words would be a permanent feeling; my forevermore. That evening, the sun and its rays bear witness to you and me. The drive home was nothing less than content.Similar to how I feel right now.

As I type this, I look at this ring - placed with its tiny diamonds. 

That this symbol was contentment, safety - a symbol of assurance, that I wouldn't want anything else but you. 

You.

Just you.

Forever you.

I walked down the stairs and I took my last steps. I saw no exit doors just a path - a road, to you. As you sat near the wall looking at me, cluelessly navigating my way around the room, I was shy to lock eyes with you. Because I knew, I would've cried buckets. If only God knew how much I love you - indeed the theories of the sea flooding soil/earth. And as the ring fit perfectly in my finger, I knew - I had nowhere else to turn back to, but to you. 

I thank you, 

For existing in my life.

And for telling me, you love me - 382 days ago.

Forever, and always.

It's Midnight

We are the passionate ones, the tortured ones. The ones who give everything we have when we love, the ones who drain, bleed ourselves dry for another person. The ones who smoke three cigarettes in a row to get rid of the lumps in our throats. The ones who spend nights thinking 'what ifs' to the most unnecessary of all situations. The ones who think they were a choice when they were no choices to begin with. 

The craziest, perhaps most insecure human being you'll ever meet.
But, I swear - she will love you like no one has, and ever will.

Closure

I had a chat with a colleague the other day over two - or maybe three glasses, talking about life and experiences in general. Of course, it was a bit of influence that drove me to somewhat speak my mind and considering the department I'm in, no doubt consumerism is seen to be either fluffy or mainly fit for bimbos.

Through out the end of our 3 - if not 4 hours of chatting he asked me why I never speak my thoughts, or show another side of me to people. With a grin, I told him that I'm more reserved when it comes to saying what I feel, or my thoughts because it tends to choose who it wants to listen. Not necessarily looking at is a flaw, but I just thought it would be a nice personality/alter-ego for me shy away and to set out in the open only when needed.

"So, no one's seen this side of you?"
"Yeah there was one guy, my ex - but I don't know things didn't end well between us"
"Really? What happened"
"We were never really together, no exchange of 'I love yous' - the relationship was genuinely about two people caring about one another"
"You sound like you miss him"
"I miss his company at times, but not him"

Of course later conversation evolved to surround relationships but the whole night on the way back I pondered whether somewhere out there, a person is missing conversations I had with him. Whether he was having regrets - or a plan perhaps to woo my heart again.

Then again - I reminded myself how 'happy' I am now.
Or am I?

The Blame Game

I find cheaters to be extremely creative - especially when they give, or well try to give reasoning to their actions. Heck some of them don’t even call themselves “cheaters”, in fact, route for an escape plan by saying its “the right thing to”.

Of course, they'll tell you that and then you find out they’ve actually been sleeping with someone else even before you left - and the girl was dumb enough to post things on her Tumblr to clarify this, but that’s beyond the point. I always believe that cheating is an option, but only one among many options. You have a choice, whether to fix a relationship, confront your partner or even confront yourself - yet you choose a simple option of “talking to someone else”, similar to running away from the problem as a resort to make yourself feel more fulfilling. Sometimes, cheaters build the biggest egos due to this - but seriously, who are you lying or manipulating to other than yourself?

A heart of a girl is fragile, and insecure - regardless of all the “women empowerment” shit you read these days. So tell me, what makes you think blaming them makes things even better? It’s you. You’re the problem. I’ve had enough of personal experience and friends blaming their partners to not be at par, but when asked whether they’ve tried to solve the solution - they come up with 1001 solvable excuses other than to cheat. I’ve had enough of people choosing to drag a third-party into the picture rather than to confront their partner, those who they say to be “the most important human being in their lives” at that time - if it was so important, why didn’t you prioritize that? I’ve had enough, of hearing excuse after excuse as to why people cheat because there is no excuse for your infedelity. There is never an acceptable excuse for you lying and disrespecting another human being. There is never, ever an excuse for you hurting someone else when you could have dodge it.

.. and you expect a victim to have closure at the nick of time you’re in bed, or on a beach holiday (which mind you, who even got you that holiday in the first place) with someone else? No, that’s not how the world works. As selfish as you are, how do you sleep at night knowing you’re simply a piece of shit?