Closure

I had a chat with a colleague the other day over two - or maybe three glasses, talking about life and experiences in general. Of course, it was a bit of influence that drove me to somewhat speak my mind and considering the department I'm in, no doubt consumerism is seen to be either fluffy or mainly fit for bimbos.

Through out the end of our 3 - if not 4 hours of chatting he asked me why I never speak my thoughts, or show another side of me to people. With a grin, I told him that I'm more reserved when it comes to saying what I feel, or my thoughts because it tends to choose who it wants to listen. Not necessarily looking at is a flaw, but I just thought it would be a nice personality/alter-ego for me shy away and to set out in the open only when needed.

"So, no one's seen this side of you?"
"Yeah there was one guy, my ex - but I don't know things didn't end well between us"
"Really? What happened"
"We were never really together, no exchange of 'I love yous' - the relationship was genuinely about two people caring about one another"
"You sound like you miss him"
"I miss his company at times, but not him"

Of course later conversation evolved to surround relationships but the whole night on the way back I pondered whether somewhere out there, a person is missing conversations I had with him. Whether he was having regrets - or a plan perhaps to woo my heart again.

Then again - I reminded myself how 'happy' I am now.
Or am I?

The Blame Game

I find cheaters to be extremely creative - especially when they give, or well try to give reasoning to their actions. Heck some of them don’t even call themselves “cheaters”, in fact, route for an escape plan by saying its “the right thing to”.

Of course, they'll tell you that and then you find out they’ve actually been sleeping with someone else even before you left - and the girl was dumb enough to post things on her Tumblr to clarify this, but that’s beyond the point. I always believe that cheating is an option, but only one among many options. You have a choice, whether to fix a relationship, confront your partner or even confront yourself - yet you choose a simple option of “talking to someone else”, similar to running away from the problem as a resort to make yourself feel more fulfilling. Sometimes, cheaters build the biggest egos due to this - but seriously, who are you lying or manipulating to other than yourself?

A heart of a girl is fragile, and insecure - regardless of all the “women empowerment” shit you read these days. So tell me, what makes you think blaming them makes things even better? It’s you. You’re the problem. I’ve had enough of personal experience and friends blaming their partners to not be at par, but when asked whether they’ve tried to solve the solution - they come up with 1001 solvable excuses other than to cheat. I’ve had enough of people choosing to drag a third-party into the picture rather than to confront their partner, those who they say to be “the most important human being in their lives” at that time - if it was so important, why didn’t you prioritize that? I’ve had enough, of hearing excuse after excuse as to why people cheat because there is no excuse for your infedelity. There is never an acceptable excuse for you lying and disrespecting another human being. There is never, ever an excuse for you hurting someone else when you could have dodge it.

.. and you expect a victim to have closure at the nick of time you’re in bed, or on a beach holiday (which mind you, who even got you that holiday in the first place) with someone else? No, that’s not how the world works. As selfish as you are, how do you sleep at night knowing you’re simply a piece of shit?

The Journey to Completing My Thesis

-- was a rough one.

I had months to prepare everything but being the procrastinating student I am, I left it to the last minute to complete it. From focus groups interviews, to real interviews, to having your focus group interview rejected by the company's HR (ya, seriously) and then to meeting your supervisor just to know your data is not enough and you have to screen around 200+ articles to conduct a content analysis. There were nights I cried tears, contemplating whether they were real tears or tears of blood.

Ok that's just me being dramatic, but I did cry in the process. I was so, so stressed out.

Two months before my thesis was due, I came back to Malaysia. It was the perfect plan. I wanted to settle all my focus group and personal interviews, have a nice time eating plates of Nasi Kandar and Nasi Lemak and just chill in hot weather. My first night in Malaysia, instead of being happy and enjoying lovely family time I had dreaded for almost a year, shit happened and just like that, my three weeks of happiness became three weeks of me having to overcome a bunch of negative feelings.

Nope, it doesn't stop there. A week after, the focus group I had previously conducted with a company in Malaysia caught me off guard by an e-mail by the company's HR saying I can't use the data as it the company's privacy laws. A week after that, again left slapped with more unnecessary drama. It got to a point where I had so much burden inside of me, I legit felt like quitting my dissertation and either extending getting a Master's Degree or just fuck it, come home empty handed.

Alhamdulillah, I got my shit together (is that even appropriate to put in a sentence) and gained all the confidence I could to finish everything up. My sleeping cycle eventually became less of a cycle but more of a dead line (nope, no sleep) and I lost weight in the process but God knows how happy I was to see my beautiful, binded, maroon dissertation printed to perfection (despite the printing service conducting a typo but ok, takpelah, I let you go this time). Seeing the 20,000 words I typed miraculously in a few weeks made the stress worthwhile.

Of course, it was a fleeting moment.
... and then I booked a flight and went back to Malaysia the next day. Lol.

But besides all that, I realized something.

I used to be the girl who hated going to school. Honestly, the grades I've gotten to pass where I am now was just mere luck. I always hated exams and the thought of my 2nd Grade Bahasa Melayu teacher who said I wasn't going "anywhere" since I failed the subject at that time always changed my perception towards our education system (Disclaimer: I wasn't dumb. I had just came back from living in the States -- mind you, Cikgu Wahida, I got constant A's for BM till SPM after that). Never, have I ever, thought of doing a Master's Degree but once I clicked "submit" for my thesis on Turn-it-in, it made me realize 1001 things I may have never imagined myself doing which I just.. may end up doing.

No - this does not mean I'm signing up to do a PhD. It just made me realize, that I'm pretty much unstoppable if I constantly believe I deserve it. That's all. So what's next guys?

Torn To Go Home

Few more weeks till I leave this town for good -- and honestly, I'm jumbled up with a thousand mixed feelings.

A part of me wanted to make a living here. For a year, I tried searching for jobs. I got a few yet due to visa restrictions, I had to turn them down. I crave for a nomadic life. I grew up somewhere foreign and I had always felt like I belonged somewhere else, not in Malaysia. 

But being here, taught me a lot about appreciating home, and most importantly appreciating the time left to be with family.

Thankfully, I did not lose anyone close to me this year, yet I saw friends losing family members so dear to them I cannot bear being almost 10,000km apart and not saying my last goodbyes. Because I know how hard it was for them, and deep down, I'm still the youngest child in the family who craves my parents attention above anything else -- and I don't want to separate myself from them, not just yet. 

At the same time a part of me wanted to give back to the place I call home. I may not have spent all my years growing up in Malaysia, but oh god, do I have plans to make it into something else. Nothing is more rewarding to me than helping others, and I want to be known for that, not just simply just another girl with a foreign Master's Degree or the girl with many followers on Instagram. I want to use the influence I have to help those, without exposure, to be exposed of their passion and talent. Because I know I am capable of making a change and nothing would make me happier than helping others achieve success as well. 

Perhaps, once upon a time ago, I was naive.

Perhaps, one day I will end up back in a plane, 13 hours to work in a familiar destination.
But for now, my heart yearns for home. 

This is An Honest Post

Though this is something I would rather not remember the rest of my life, help me God, I hope one day the next guy I date will read this and take caution of how fragile my heart can be. Because I am tired. I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of being the one blamed for being the cause of every negativity in a relationship -- most importantly, I am tired of being cheated on, countless of times. I am tired.

I trust you enough to tell you my aspirations, my flaws. I put your world ahead of mine and the least you could have done for me was to respect my feelings as a human being - yet, you cheated. God knows while you told me I meant the world to you, you were swiping right, or even chatting your devilish ways with another girl I would not even want to know who, how or see her face.

Because nothing grounds a man like respect.
Disappointing to know that you're nothing near a man. You're just a wimp.